On Anxiety and Breathing

Current Curiosities

[Reading] ​Teaching Critical Thinking by bell hooks

[Listening] The Lizzie McGuire Movie Soundtrack 

[Watching] ​Hacks 


Adapting Diaphragmatic (Belly) Breathing A few months ago, I interviewed with a local nonprofit. The interview did not go well. I hadn't realized that my nervous system was hijacked before I even entered the organization's chaotic workspace. While I prepared for the Monday morning interview, I pushed down my concerns about the nonprofit's close ties to a prominent MAGA politician and what that might mean for me as a queer professional.

During the interview, my nervous system was further tested as the cishet male co-founder very obviously rolled his eyes with every answer I gave. And hello imposter syndrome!

Curiously, a significant portion of my interview was spent discussing how frequently the cishet male and female co-founders fight in front of the team during meetings. My interviewers jokingly used the phrase mom and dad are fighting, though as we know, family language in the workplace is always a huge red flag. The cishet male co-founder stressed that this was completely normal behavior and not at all unprofessional.

I left the interview shaken, but as luck would have it, I scheduled therapy for later that same day. During the session, my queer therapist* suggested diaphragmatic (belly) breathing to help me focus and regulate my nervous system. 

After my appointment, I stretched out on the cool wood floor in my living room and attempted to belly breathe. The thing about my anxious brain is that it is great at multitasking. So while I focused on breathing, my mind continued turning over and over my unsettling interview experience. For ten minutes I tried inhaling deeply through my nose, holding each breath, and fully exhaling through my mouth with one hand on my diaphragm (a word I only recently realized I do not know how to spell) and the other hand on the cold floor.

​Eventually, I gave up and chose an album from my vinyl collection. I placed Mariah Carey's #1s on the turntable and dropped the needle. When "Fantasy" come on, I started singing like I was in elementary school (when the song came out) and immediately felt my shoulders begin to relax. After Mariah's double LP, I switched to Beyonce's Homecoming and then The Chicks' The Essential. 

As I sang (and shook it) with these divas (wow, I really did just write that), I realized two things. First, vinyl records force me to slow down and listen completely. That is, spinning records keeps me from hitting next on Spotify, in a never-ending attempt to find the right song. Instead, I vibe with a whole album start to finish.  

Second, the mechanics of singing outmaneuvered my anxious multitasking brain. As I dueted with Beyonce and The Chicks, my mind stopped mulling the interview, and I began focusing on my breathing, my posture, and the words of each song. Was I breathing through my nose to lift my soft palate? Was my posture supporting my breathing? Or as I'm wont to do when experiencing anxiety, was I hunching over?** And for someone who often mindlessly sings along without actually knowing the words or meanings of songs, was I understanding the lyrics? 

The collaborative systems involved in singing forced me to focus on deeply breathing and pushed out racing thoughts about the interview, potential MAGA complicity, and my own imposter syndrome. My therapist was on to something (obviously, she's brilliant) with her suggestion to practice belly breathing, but I needed to find a version that worked for me. I needed to adapt her strategy to meet my needs. (needed-needed-needs) And that's the trick. 

CODA After that harrowing interview experience, you won't catch me at particular farmers' markets or night bazaars, but you might catch a glimpse of me singing (and maybe dancing) to release anxiety and reset my nervous system.

Thank you very much for your time. If you have recommendations or curiosities, please fill out this nifty contact form.

Sending y’all supportive, well-caffeinated vibes,

Creighton 

Today’s Pen(cil): Sherpa X Savage Industries Pen Cover [Sharpie]

* We need more LGBTQ+ therapists. Cishet counselors can (and often do) cause real harm to queer and trans clients. And don't even get me started on the foolishness that is Christian counseling. 

** I learned a lot about the physicality of singing from my college voice teacher, an amusing bless your heart Southern preacher's wife.